Captain Planet
NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Well before Al Gore's Inconvenient Truth, there was Ted Turner's inconvenient cartoon series known as Captain Planet and the Planeteers. Footage of the show begins NC (voiceover): God shoot me. This environmental pigshit was designed to make kids more aware of the environment and tell them all the things they CAN do to save the environment, but most likely won't. NC: This show was awful and I mean AWFUL. Nobody liked it, nobody listened to what it had to say...so why did we keep watching it? NC (voiceover): I mean this show was on for four seasons. That's a pretty long time by kids' show standards. So why did we keep watching this shit if it was so bad? Honestly, because there was nothing else on in this timeslot. I think the only other thing that was on was Beakman's World, and God knows how much I don't wanna be willingly educated by a Brooklyn scientist and a giant rat. Wheeler: He's an exterminator's nightmare! NC (voiceover): So we kept watching Captain Planet, much to our everlasting shame. NC: Now for those of you who don't know the infamous story of Captain Planet, consider yourselves very fortunate. But hell, I'm gonna let Geordi from Star Trek tell you anyway. Narrator: Our world is in peril. Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, can no longer stand the terrible destruction plaguing our planet. She sends five magic rings to five special young people. With their five powers combined, they summon Earth's greatest champion, Captain Planet. NC (voiceover): Well that's the cliffnote version anyway. The whole story starts when the Earth spirit, Gaia, is awakened from her Earthly slumber. Is it me, or does it look like she's always in a perfume commercial? Soothing music and the words "Essence of G.A.I.A." in fancy text are used to drive the point home NC (voiceover): When she wakes up, she sees those poor silly humans who are destroying the Earth. Gaia: Who is doing this? It's those poor, silly humans again. NC (voiceover): So she sends out five magic rings to five teenagers. Kwami, from Africa, Gi, from Asia, Linkha, from the Soviet Union, Mah-ti, from South America, and Wheeler, from North America. NC: Wheeler? WHEELER? Some parent was actually cruel enough to name their kid Wheeler? The only Wheelers I know about are the Wheeler's from Return to Oz, and the further I stay away from them, the better. Wheeler: You know, this has been a very weird day. One minute I'm a kid from Brooklyn, the next minute I'm some sorta cut-rate superhero. NC: Oh...I think I'm gonna hate Wheeler. NC (voiceover): I mean the other characters are passable, but this guy's just obnoxious. Wheeler: What's that supposed to mean? NC (voiceover): It's like if Tony Danza got kicked in the nuts and was looking around for the guy who did it. (imitating Tony Danza, kicked in the nuts) Hey, yo, who kicked me in the nuts? (normal) Each of them are given a magic ring which controls one of the Earth's elements, like Earth, Wind, Water, and Fire. Wheeler: Fat lotta good that'll do us in a firefight! At the word "fire" his ring activates, setting their craft on fire Mah-ti: WHEELER! Don't say fire until you mean it! NC: Oh, I see, everytime Wheeler says "fire," a giant flaming fireball pops out? Man, how lame is that? That's like me getting hit in the head with a ruler everytime I say- A ruler hits him in the head NC: Ow! What, I get hit in the head with a ruler everytime I say- He gets hit again NC: Okay...guess I'm not gonna say ruler. Smack NC (voiceover): But what about Mah-ti? What's his magic power? Mah-ti: Mine...is HEART! I can sense you all. NC: ...Heart? HEART? They get fire, wind and water, I get fuckin' heart? What a rip-off! Why can't I get any of the flashy powers and stuff...Heart? Are you kidding me? What a fucking coup! I mean, you can't do anything with heart, what, you make people feel better, who gives a shit? I mean, this kid totally. Got. Ripped. Off! I mean, how do you think he feels about this whole thing? I recently sat down with Mah-ti this past week to see just how he felt about this situation. Cut to NC and Mah-ti (played by Bhargav; **FIRST APPEARANCE**) sitting on a couch Mah-ti: I'll tell you how I feel about the whole situation: I'm fucking pissed off, man. You know? What kind of kid wants to have heart as a power, I mean I can't believe it. Jesus! NC: Yeah but surely there must be some good that's come out of this, I mean after all you were bringing people together. Mah-ti: Fuck people! Bringing people together doesn't help you sell toys! It just makes you a pussy. I'm a pussy! I am a pussy. NC: Well why do you think YOU got heart, and everyone else got all the flashier powers? Mah-ti: Because I'm Indian. It's all Ted Turner's plan to keep the Indian man down! Fucking cocksucker! NC: Wait a minute, I thought you were from South America. What's this crap about you being Indian? Mah-ti: Um... NC: You're not the real Mah-ti, are you? He rips the planet symbol off Mah-ti's chest Mah-ti: Uh...the thing about that is...HEART! He punches NC in the face NC: (muffled by his hands) Ow! Fuck! That fuckin' Indian! Mah-ti (animated version): I am nothing but trouble! NC (voiceover): I mean, how is heart even supposed to work? You just say "heart" and all the sudden people feel better? Gimme a break. NC: (holding up a ring) I mean look at this thing, are you telling me that this little thing is actually supposed to make people feel better? He puts the ring on, and Sauron's eye appears behind him, complete with creepy sounds; NC removes the ring NC: Wrong ring. Alright, here it is, THIS is the ring that's supposed to make everyone feel hunky dorey. He puts it on and soothing music plays, accompanied by a cloud backdrop NC: Oh...wow...actually, this is kinda nice. I feel so relaxed and pleasant. So what if I don't have fire, wind or water...it's not like I have to be ruler of the Earth. The ruler hits him NC: DAMMIT! He throws the ring away NC (voiceover): Alright, so you get the idea about the rings and everything, but where does Captain Planet come in? Well when they do combine their powers together they unleash Captain Planet, who kind of looks like Silver Surfer's gay brother who has a summer house in Malibu. Wheeler: He's suckin'- NC gets concerned Wheeler: The oil back! NC: OH! Captain Planet: Guess I'd better make like the wind and blow! NC (voiceover): Captain Planet's main job is to save the Earth while also making as many horrible puns as possible. Captain Planet: Now I'm gonna rain on your parade! Time to tie up this loose end! You do know that smoking's bad for your health. Nothing like a wild ride to get rid of an old flame. Time to branch out! I'm feeling fine, how 'bout you? NC leans toward the camera and laughs sarcastically Gaia: It's worse than I thought. NC (voiceover): I know what you're saying to yourself: "Please tell me that there's something that can kill him." Well thank Heavenly God there is. Captain Planet's only weakness is--you guessed it--pollution. You drown him in oil, smoke or toxic waste and he goes down like a government bill to save the rainforest. The only way to save him is to clean him off so he can regenerate from the sun. NC: Oh great, he's a solar powered Captain Planet. You know they always sound great until the payment plans come in. Verminous Scum: We'll see about that! NC (voiceover): Seriously though, how hard is it just to throw toxins on a person? This shit's easier to find than Kryptonite. A scene of Captain Planet rising into the air, the sound of sludge squirting, and he falls back down, covered in brown muck NC: So you might be asking yourself, what kind of villains does Captain Planet fight anyway? NC (voiceover): Well of course it's rotten, billionaire tycoons who want to do nothing but pollute the world. All except Ted Turner of course. He is Jesus. And of course they all have those traditional cosmopolitan names. Like Hoggish Greevely, Verminous Scum, and Sly Sludge. NC: (laughing) Seriously, would you ever do business with a person named Sly Sludge? NC (voiceover): It's like marrying a woman named Nasty McSpendsmoney, it just has bad news written all over it. Linkha: Please, go avay! NC (voiceover): The other strange thing about these villains is that a lot of them actually have celebrity voices. Like John Ratzenberger, Martin Sheen, Jeff Goldblum, Tim Curry, and even Meg Ryan. How the fuck did they get Meg Ryan? Did she owe them back taxes or something, I mean it makes no sense! NC: But what's even stranger than that is that they make the villains look a little bit like the celebrities themselves. NC (voiceover): Like Meg Ryan's blonde hair, Tim Curry's sunken in eyes, and...the less I say about Jeff Goldblum, the better. That's also Whoopee Goldberg as the Earth spirit Gaia. Now here's what I don't understand: if she's supposed to be the most powerful essence of the Earth, why doesn't she stop these polluting a-holes herself? Gaia: Don't worry Planeteers, I will be with you in spirit. NC: Oh, "spirit," mmhmm. You know from my past experience, "spirit" has usually meant a coward-chicken-pansy who doesn't want to get hurt and would rather sacrifice the lives of teenagers so she doesn't miss her favorite reruns of Gilligan. But hey, that's just my past experience! Wheeler: Gee, I didn't think of that! NC (voiceover): You may also have noticed that anytime there's trouble, it's Kwami who initiates calling Captain Planet. Kwami: Let our powers combine! (several times) NC: Why does he get to call the shots? I mean that's a lot of power! Can you imagine if he DIDN'T wanna say those words? Wheeler: Oh man, we're in a tight jam! ...uh, Kwami, don't you have somethin' to say? Kwami: I'm not going to say it, not until you apologize for stiffing me on the bill at Olive Garden. Wheeler: Aw come on man, I was short on cash! Kwami: Do I look like Don Fucking King to you? Wheeler: Alright, I'm sorry. Kwami: Then let our powers combine! Wheeler: (muttering) Douche Kwami: What? Wheeler: Nothin'. NC: Weird. NC (voiceover): Most of these episodes follow the same pattern. Some evil-doer is polluting the Earth for the sole purpose of being a douche, the kids come to help, can't quite handle it, so they call in Captain Planet to save the day. But not all these episodes just focus on the environment, there's actually one or two episodes that focus on different subject matters. NC: So Captain Planet, what other issues are you gonna talk to grade school kids about? Kid: AIDS. NC is shocked and horrified Doctor: You tested positive for the HIV virus. NC: STOP! CEASE! DESIST! GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! An alarm is going off and words like "Abort, Bail Out, You're not talented enough, Turn back" are flashing on screen Mah-ti: I sense fear and panic. NC (voiceover): (sigh) Alright, so Captain Planet is gonna talk about AIDS. God help us. So apparently Verminous Scum has an evil plan to make high schoolers really hate this one kid who happens to have AIDS. Just listen to his foolproof evil plot. Verminous Scum: Once we let people know the kid has AIDS, we can panic the whole town! See when people panic, they don't think. If they don't think, they stay stupid about AIDS and it gets spread. Once it spreads far enough, WE take over the Earth! NC: ...makes sense to me! Doctor: There are only a few ways to contract the virus: using drugs with needles, unprotected sex- NC is mortified to hear this in a kids show Doctor: Or he could've gotten it from that blood transfusion he got a few months back. NC: These kids are just learning how to spell blue, don't tell them about drugs or unprotected sex, what the hell's wrong with you?! Kid: Who cares how I got it? It stinks! NC: There you have it folks: The understatement of the century. AIDS stinks. And here's another thing I just found out: Hitler was a dork. NC (voiceover): Naturally, the kid's coach comes in to try to give him some advice. Coach: Do you wanna talk? Kid: Nothin' to say. It's all over. Coach: Not the way I hear it. Kid: Coach! I've got AIDS. Coach: Wrong! You're HIV Positive. Big difference! Kid: You probably won't even let me play in the big game. Coach: Wrong again Andrews, you're gonna be playin' in that game, and anyone who says otherwise will have to deal with me. NC: Whoa, Coach is a bit of a psycho. NC (voiceover): Soon, Verminous starts spreading rumors and lies about AIDS. Verminous Scum: Did ya hear about Todd Andrews? (whispers unintelligibly) NC: He's a closet mumbler? NC (voiceover): Soon everybody--even the adults--are calling for the hanging of this kid with AIDS. If only the knew that an environmentally aware children's cartoon could show them the error of their ways. Of course Captain PSA comes along to help set the record straight with people. Captain Planet: I think these people need a little education about the HIV virus. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE? NC: This is gonna be painful. Captain Planet: A lot of you are worried about AIDS. Give 'em the facts, Coach. Coach: You can't get AIDS from casual contact. Captain Planet: You've been led astray by lies! Todd hasn't changed. Coach: That's right! NC screams at the sudden intrusion of the Coach's face Coach: He's the same kid who played his heart out for you right here last week! Captain Planet: Deal with the real, people! Get the facts! The power is yours! NC: And this speech is terrible! Coach: So what are you gonna do? Turn your back on him? Or give him the chance he deserves? The crowd cheers NC: This is like the most easily led crowd in the world. Hey everybody! Childbirth is bad! Crowd rages NC: But genocide is good! Crowd cheers NC (voiceover): Another issue that's kind of hard to see Captain Planet take on is gang violence. You heard right...gang violence. Just listen to some of the streetwise backtalk! Gang member 1: Let's see what's happenin' here naw! Member 2: Let's hit it dog! Member 1: We hittin' the spot to score some gat. Member 2: Those fools can't hit us! Member 1: It's R.I.P. time for you! NC: Yo yo I'm gonna bust a wicked don dookie in the back of yo behind, mildly annoying acquaintance! NC (voiceover): And the way they convey the terror of gang violence is by having pictures of civil rights leaders posted all throughout the cartoon. They never really reference them they just...kinda put 'em there. I mean look at this, they don't say anything, they don't do anything, they just kind of appear and then disappear. NC: Um...deep? NC (voiceover): Gee, I hope there's some retarded teenagers and a flying blue man in gay underwear that can sum this all up. Gi: Can't you see? It's time to stop wrecking, and start really educating. Captain Planet: Peace or war, it's your choice. The gang members pull out their guns at each other, the screen cuts to black and a gunshot is heard NC: That would've been the funny ending! NC (voiceover): But instead we get a look into the gang members' heads as they analyze all that the civil rights leaders have fought for. I guess this has good intentions, but some of these images get pretty damn graphic. It shows some of them NC: Uh kids? You might want to switch it over to Sesame Street right now. (whisper) These people don't know what they're doing. Gaia: So much for drama. NC (voiceover): And of course, at the end of every episode, we had to listen to that godawful song that we all hated to listen to, and yet we could never get out of our heads. Captain Planet song NC (voiceover): Though there was that one guy who always summed up my feelings towards the show at the end. Villain: You'll pay for this, Captain Planet! NC: Alright Ted Turner, you've made your point, and we'll make a deal with you. We'll start cleaning up the planet, and you STOP MAKING THESE GODAWFUL CARTOONS! That way the planet can be nice and clean so you can become supreme ruler. The ruler smacks him NC: GODDAMMIT! He picks up his gun slowly and cocks it NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. ...Ruler-HA! He points his gun at the direction the ruler usually comes from, but it hits him from the other side, knocking him down NC: I really hate this episode.